My, My, Ted, You Are One Articulate Dude.

Life as a blogger has so few rewards. We toil and type, read and weep and sometimes, just sometimes, those of us in the uh, lower echelons of bloggers, are able to bask in the glow of an Instalanche or a link from some other big site. I've had my share from Slate, from NRO and others like Dean Esmay and Joe Gandelman.

I have yet to achieve the grace of being knighted or skewered by Kos or Atrios (to whom I have been unable to attach a trackback), but I can hope; I'm especially looking forward to what the comments would look like. But alas, none of the big lefty blogs has seen fit to link to this site, yet.

But then again, the other day in a post about the "dumbness of politics" I tried to answer a rhetorical question from Glenn Reynolds. As part of my illustration on how politics has lately been twisted into some compromising positions, I tossed off a sentence that probably should have gone unnoticed:

But we want our politics simple so we end up getting simple-minded politics. We can't deplore Bill Bennett's self-proclaimed monopoly on morality and see that the last imbroglio he has gotten himself into is balderdash. We can't side with the Democrats on much of their agenda and realize that they have made it virtually impossible for them to run a credible candidate for president.

There are quite a few conservative bloggers openly talking rebellion against the GOP, or at least Bush, which has delighted the left to no end. Those lefty bloggers can now sit back and sneer I-told-you-sos and in true Ted Rall fashion, portray Bush voters as stupid and sinister all at the same time.

Two days later, I notice on my stats page that a site named www.tedrall.com/rants.html has linked to this post. I stared at it for a minute or two until I realized that it really was Ted Rall. And he was a little testy:

Bloggers Can't Make up Their Minds

A blog called bloggledygook references me as someone who puts down people who voted for Bush:

Those lefty bloggers can now sit back and sneer I-told-you-sos and in true Ted Rall fashion, portray Bush voters as stupid and sinister all at the same time.

Well, far be it from me to shy away from the characterization someone who doesn't read much of my work has for me. So yes, I'll fess up: Anyone who voted for Bush is a Goddamned fucking idiot. Fuck them. Why progressives should suck up to such morons instead of ridiculing them as they well deserve--which, incidentally, might remind them to think more carefully the next time they exercise their franchise--is beyond me.

On the other hand, Bernard Weiner lists me as a "journalistic hero" for standing up to the Bush regime's attempt to loot the treasury while destroying American democracy and personal freedom.

Oh, well. Back to the Bush voter-bashing cartoons for this week.

The first thing to ask is, how does Teddy know that I don't read much of his work? Is he following me? And if so, why? Or has this gift to American political discourse invented some spooky mind-control ray that monitors every single activity of unsuspecting readers? Well if so, Ted it ain't working. Because you have no idea what I read.

And really, Ted, did you Google yourself to find this post? You did, didn't you? How many times a day do you conjure up your own name to see how many people have mentioned you? A little love starved, are we? Well, here you go, a big bouquet of Teds Rall:

Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted Rall Ted

Hope that helps. Now that I think of it, maybe Ted rightly assumes that very few people would actually bother to read his trite, monotonous comic strip or his term-paper quality commentaries. And I suppose that he would be right. After all, he missed the very theme of the post that he linked to. See, Ted, the idea is that it's very possible that I agree with you on some important points. But you're just too unhinged ever to take a breath and realize that your rabid hatred and your juvenile inability to look at complex problems without coming to the exact same conclusion every time limits both your audience and your message. That is, if you have a message other than that everyone who didn't vote for John Kerry last time around is... what was that? a Goddamned fucking idiot? Man, I wish I could write like that.

On an average Instalanche, a blogger can expect to receive anywhere from a few thousand to over 10,000 hits in about 24 hours. Other sites are impressive, also. Links from Dean and Joe are getting more robust and NRO is approaching the point where a link from The Corner gets it's own name. I imagine that a link from Kos or Atrios would be comparable to something from Glenn. My biggest 24 hour haul from Instapundit was somewhere in the neighborhood of 13,000 hits. That demonstrates that Glenn attracts a huge number of readers, because he posts and links many, many times during the day.

Well, Ted is way in the minor leagues. In the last 36 hours or so I have received, hmmm let's see here... uh, 63 hits. Wow, Ted, you the man!

But the count isn't what's so impressive. It's Ted's command of the English language and his laser-like focus. Okay, that's not it, either, even if he has managed to get himself lumped, by at least one blogger, with lefty writers who actually think, like David Corn, Greg Palast and Kevin Drum. (Then again, the list that Ted links to is rather large and he gets lost in the shuffle. And the list itself is impressive in its size. Who knew there were so many lone voices?)

I think that I know what ails Ted. He can't tell the difference between engagement and "sucking up." This affliction is usually understood and even indulged when one is, say, a sophomore in college, but the spitting, incoherent rant wears off after a while for just about everybody but the ranter himself. And Ted also fails at ridicule time and again. Ted, ridicule is when you make someone else look foolish.

So the onslaught of a link from the left has yet to materialize. I sit here working and waiting, working and waiting, hoping that someone with some influence and some readers will send some of that blogger love on over here, even to rip me a new one. Too bad, Teddy, it isn't going to be you.

UPDATE: Welcome Instapeople! And thanks, Glenn, for proving my point.

Also, trackbacks don't seem to be working. I'll do me best to list those who link here.

First up: Stupid Random Thoughts.

Bob Krumm.

DallasMike. I'm shivering from the prospect of a Stingraylanche. Bring it on.

Brutally Honest.

Lou Minatti. Which has to be my new favorite name.

Laurence Simon. Bless his gentle soul.

Instapunk. I would like to thank the academy...

Ken Wheaton.

Comments

[Laurence Simon]

Even if Ted invented a mind-control ray, he'd never be able to build it because the childish drawings he'd call blueprints would be totally out of scale and utterly incomprehensible.

[TallDave]

Great stuff. I laughed out loud at the Ted Rall banquet, and again at the LS comment.

Thanks for sharing.

For a fun contrast, try reading Kos or Rall, and then something by Victor Hanson. Careful! Your brain may stall, as this exercise is like shifting from first gear to fifth.

[JackAssFestival]

I tried to trackback to you but it didn't work. Anyway, excellent Post and I will link to you. Congrats!

[Ixman]

Anyone who voted for Bush is a Goddamned fucking idiot. Fuck them.

Yes, maybe he's just using hyperbole, but in Ted's case, I'm not so sure. He's a true believer, after all. In any case, I thought that it was progressives first and foremost who preached tolerance and openminded-ness (heh). Maybe we all just project what we aren't. Indeed, some of the most violent and narrow minded people I've ever known were anti-war folks.

[Daniel]

Sorry about that. TypePad has been creaky lately. I haven't been able to send trackbacks, either. If anybody wants a link, let me know and I'll put it in the body of the post.

[Jim Hoft]

That was brilliant. Yes, even the left must get tired of Ted after a while. Poor guy!... He's already reached the cellar, there's no place left to go!

[Googlebot]

Never been here before. I am part of your latest Instalanch, a mere one among ten thousand. Heh.

[buzz]

I dont know, pretty impressive. The man takes time out from bashing widows and dead soldiers to repond to your blog.

[Jim "Instalanche" Treacher]

Don't take it personally. Ted's been a mite twitchy ever since he found out Santa's going to kill him.

This may be a good time for bloggers to Google bomb Ted Rall and get people to your post. I've made my contribution. I see your name, Laurence. Let's get busy.

[LouMinatti]

This may be a good time for bloggers to Google bomb Ted Rall.

[skymuse]

heh

I just got my own Instalanche as well; you're dead-bang about basking in the glow....

Poor Ted Rall, so outraged and articulate, so powerful and influential....I guess that's why he gets printed in freebie liberal rags in the city and only his elitist pals can afford a computer and the connection to get to his website. And how exactly does the F-bomb, ad hominem attacks, and insanity win converts? Oh, yeah, gotta take the people's guns first.....

sigh -- it's not even much fun taking apart what isn't originally that well-built.....miserablism is truly a scourge

[PlutosDad]

I exchanged emails with Ted Rall once or twice, like you say, he is so busy making himself look foolish I don't think even he understands a single word he writes.

Maybe because I work in theater, but I know lots of people in their 30s who still every single week make "spitting, incoherent rant[s]". Too bad they never took debate, or learned how to analyze arguments, it's all about emotion and what feels right to many people.

What I really love is when they try to tell me why I have certain positions. (Because i am rich, or grew up rich, was never poor, knew poor people, lived with non-white people, etc.) None of which is true, but they need to believe I am "just incapable of understanding" because of the background they decided I have.

No matter how many times i tell people I used to vote Democrat, was a socialist but didn't know it, was against Israel, they never remember that i realized i was wrong, they keep telling me that I always believed what I do now because I am a rich white male racist.

And these are my liberal "friends".

Once I wasted an instalanche. I sent Glenn an email that he actually posted but it was just an email with my real name and no url. Man I am still hoping for an instalance someday.

[MarkD]

I didn't realize that Ted Rall was still alive. Good, I doubt anyone can torment him as much as he torments himself. It must suck to live in his world.

[Robert Liss]

Is that Ted Rall or Ted Baxter?

[shank]

I don't know who Ted Rall is...misc. dickhead?...Just riding the Instalanche...nice peice, see ya round!

[Francis W. Porretto]

If I were Ted Rall -- and thank God, I'm not -- I wouldn't arrogate the privilege of judging the intelligence of others. Especially not on the basis of their votes. But then, I'm not a nationally syndicated cartoonist. Those folks must have privileges not available to Ph.D.s in physics with 200-plus IQs.

Rall is symptomatic of the national disease: the replacement of argument over means by accusations of stupidity or evil motives. Someone must have told him at an early age that he was incapable of being wrong about anything, and that therefore anyone who disagreed with him must be either an idiot or a villain. Unfortunately for him, the universe has very strict rules. Not only can the exalted Ted Rall be wrong, but by representing himself as the Supreme Judge of others' intellect and motives, he's guaranteed he'll never, ever learn anything from someone who knows something he doesn't. He'll die in exactly the state of ignorance and malevolence he occupies today.

[RFTR]

Dude. What if Ted Rall IS following you and keeping track of what you read?

[Jim Treacher]

"He'll die in exactly the state of ignorance and malevolence he occupies today."

Death threat! DEATH THREAT!!!

[Daniel]

RFTR,

Well, I just burned all my back copies of Playthang and Cooking Light. Next, I'm going to scrub the hard drive and go to my undisclosed location.

And Treacher, I expected more from you. Oh wait, no I don't. Continue, please.